


you contract, and you constrict, and release, and then you breathe, and that's what heaven will be like

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Sex, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shovel Talk, argument, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, but i am not called a himbo for nothing, fuck diamond all my homies hate diamond, juno stims a bunch in this one, the graphic depictions of violence tag isn't very accurate, this could have had six separate chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25806673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: Five times Nureyev heard about Diamond, and one time he actually met them.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel, past Diamond/Juno Steel
Comments: 28
Kudos: 283





	you contract, and you constrict, and release, and then you breathe, and that's what heaven will be like

**Author's Note:**

> (yes, the title is a midnight gospel quote, its very good, okay?)  
> trigger warnings  
> big one for domestic abuse, obviously  
> manipulation  
> ptsd  
> Juno gets scared by loud noises, thought i'd warn for that.  
> references to sex  
> some very skewed ideas on sex, and sexual etiquette  
> and very skewed ideas on what a healthy relationship is  
> mentions of flashbacks and panic attacks, but no actual instances of it  
> lots of passive self hatred  
> emeto warning (feeling sick, and such)  
> also one extremely brief implication that Juno is afab  
> nureyev can have little a murder, as a treat

Peter Nureyev doesn’t know who Diamond is, but he knows he hates them. You don’t always have to know a person, to know what kind of person they are. There is much you can find out through extensive research. Much of their personality. The impulsivity of a person, if they have some sort of illness, what they do with their money. 

You can’t always parse out the nuances of a character through research, however. After all, Nureyev couldn’t understand very much about Juno Steel before he’d really met him. Emotional instability and a rough life, bad habits and wrong turns are one thing, but nothing could have prepared him for Juno Steel. The one he sees every day, the growth he’s done, his moral core, the resolute stubbornness, is different from every record online. 

That happens often. Maybe not to quite an extent, normally, but it does happen. There are some people that you never really flesh out until you’ve known them for quite a while. The Carte Blanche’s crew is mainly like this. That’s what makes them so terrifying, what makes them so fun to work with.

There are some people, however, that Nureyev can characterize and understand their character without ever having met them, or even without researching them actively at all. These people usually make for easy marks, or dangerous enemies.

Nureyev thinks he can describe Diamond’s character perfectly by now.

**-1-**

The first instance at which Nureyev hears about them, he never even hears their name. It had been a few weeks after Juno and he had started their relationship again, and started living with one another aboard the Carte Blanche. It’s a rough start, he will admit. More talking about his emotions, and calming one another down than Peter has ever experienced. It’s hard. It’s annoying, and even worse, Nureyev is bad at it. He hasn’t been this genuine with another person in a very long time. 

Even so, with everything that comes with it, he is so glad they decided to do this. If not for the relief in Juno’s shoulders, then for the soft look in his eye after Peter tells him things he’s never told anyone before, if not for that, then for knowing and understanding this man better. For loving him, and being loved. He wouldn’t trade this for anything in the universe. 

It’s going well, and according to Juno, when he’s in a relationship for a certain amount of time like this, Rita steps in. 

That worries him. 

Rita on her own is never a force to be trifled with. Intimidating in a strange way. She’s adorable, and no one can say otherwise, but when you see her in action, typing away at her keyboard, speaking so nonchalantly about such and such powerful organization she just hacked into the bank account of, a spike of fear runs through your spine. Well, it runs though Peter’s. There could very well be a plethora of information about him, that Rita could somehow get. A name is all it would take. Along with the fact that she is Juno’s best friend, a woman he takes every single word into account of now, and trusts wholeheartedly. It’s nerve wracking. The love of his life could very well completely turn his back on him after a few words from his secretary. Part of him wonders if Juno shouldn’t just walk away right now. There are millions of other people in the universe without his baggage, any one of them could throw themselves at his feet, without so much work. 

When Rita finally does give him a talk, it’s early in the morning. He hasn’t put on any of his makeup, or nice clothes when she knocks on his door. Hell, he hadn’t even brushed his teeth yet. There is only one person who sees him in this form, and he had been sleeping soundly beside him, before they both jolt awake at the sound of the knock.

_ “Mista Ransom? I need to have a talk with you, are ya decent?” _

Juno groans beside him sleepily, smothers a pillow into his face. “Oh my god, she wants to talk to you about it  _ now _ ?”

Nureyev might marvel at the cute scratchiness of his voice, or the way he rubs his eye, and takes off his silk cap. Unfortunately he can’t watch the adorable picture Juno makes of himself when he first wakes up. His mind runs in circles. She wants to give him the shovel talk  _ now _ ? It’s so early, he’s completely unprepared.

Juno rubs his cheek against his shoulder, his stubble prickly, his skin soft. It comforts him a little. 

_ “Mista Ransom, I know you’re in there. You can’t hide from Rita forevah!” _

The anxiety comes back, and Juno must feel it. His voice is all warm and smooth, when he says, “Oh, hey, honey, you’re gonna be okay. It’s just your standard shovel talk. You got this.” 

He sighs. “Yes, I know. I’ll talk with her.”

It’s all worth it for that pretty little smile. “Good, now I’m gonna brush my teeth, and start making breakfast. Join me when you’re done. I’ll have your tea waiting for you.” His heart swoons at that. That it isn’t a question, but the surety that he will be there. That Juno knows exactly which tea he likes in the morning, and how much sugar to add. 

“You’re too good to me, darling.” Juno gets up, still in the tye dye shirt and shorts he calls pyjamas, and walks out of the room.

Briefly, in the doorway, he hears Rita say, “Oh hello, Mista Steel, I hope I wasn't  _ interruptin’ nothin’ _ .” Juno groans again. 

“Just go easy on him, will you?” he says.

“Mista Steel, you know I can’t do that!” She replies, before she walks into the room. 

Peter is still amongst blankets and clothes strewn everywhere. He thanks his past thoughtfulness that he went to sleep clothed last night. She immediately takes a seat on his bed, and they talk.

By and large it is very standard. Everything Peter imagines a shovel talk should be. A few threats, and a reiteration of how much Rita cares about Juno. Nureyev tells her that he never wants Juno to feel unhappy with him, and that he will do his damndest to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. 

“And if you ever hurt him I will ruin your life Mista Ransom, do you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Miss Rita.” he reassures her. 

She keeps going, like she didn’t hear him. “I swear if I see any bruises or broken ribs on him ever again-”

“Bruises?” he says quietly, cautiously. “Rita you  _ know _ I would  _ never _ do anything like that. Why would you even think that?” There’s an implication there. Peter knows the life Juno has led hasn’t been without it’s mishaps. It’s obvious that there have been many bruises and broken bones. Still, the mention of it in this context worries him once again.

Rita cocks her head. There’s a questioning look on her face. “He hasn’t told you?” That’s just about all he needs to know.

His breath is caught in his lungs. “Hasn’t told me what, Rita?”

She shakes her head. “Sorry Mista Ransom, it ain’t my business to tell.” Her lip is bitten. “Though I will say that I’m glad you two are together. Mista Steel sure seems to like you, and I like you too. I think he’s making breakfast, you wanna come get some with me?”

They both go into the kitchen. Juno smiles that flickering smile when he places the hashbrowns and eggs in front of him, along with his tea. After he gives everyone else their food as well, he sits next to Nureyev, and looks up at him. His face is sympathetic and amused. “Oh, c’mon,” his hand is gentle on Peter’s arm. “That talk with Rita couldn’t have been  _ that  _ bad. You look like you just saw a ghost.”

**-2-**

Nureyev sets down a basket of laundry, with a sigh. It’s a bit heavier than he meant to set it down, but no harm done, all in all. Juno has been showing him how to do a few household chores, doing and folding laundry being one of them. Normally he either has someone else do it for him at some fancy laundromat, or somewhere discreet. Steals new clothes if he deems it necessary. 

He turns to where Juno is sitting on the bed. When he’d left, Juno had been fiddling with some clicky toy he’d borrowed from Rita. Now he’s watching Peter warily. “Are you okay?” they say at the same time. Peter laughs, but Juno swallows hard, and curls up a bit like a pillbug, brings his knees up to his chest. He digs his fingers into his legs. He looks scared, maybe a bit angry at himself.

Nureyev abandons the laundry, and sits next to Juno on the bed. He only tenses up more. “My dear, are you alright?”A repetition of their earlier question, though he thinks it’s wise to repeat.

“It’s nothing.”

“ _ Juno.” _

He hesitates. “I heard you put down the laundry basket and the thought of people doing daily tasks angrily doesn’t sit right. Makes me so damn anxious I feel like jumping out of my skin, or running away. I didn’t even think you were  _ you _ , with that loud sound all of a sudden I thought you were Diamond.” An ex Peter has heard of very briefly, he wants to ask, but Juno just passes over it. “I hate that I still hear loud noises and immediately get scared. I thought I was getting better, y’know? This? Getting so scared and putting all of it on you? This isn’t what recovery looks like.” He hugs himself around the chest hard. 

He looks guilty, he looks angry at himself. Peter wants to ask who Diamond is, what they’ve done, though he already has a good idea. Now is not the time to ask questions, right now he needs to give Juno some comfort. “Juno, you have gotten better, don’t you see it? You amaze me every single day with all the work you’ve done.” He says it, and he’s being honest. “You have grown so much that I get jealous of it sometimes. 

He rolls his eye, brimming with tears. “You do  _ not. _ ”

“I do, Juno! I’m serious.” He presses. “Every day I see you doing better and better. I’ve never met anyone capable of such growth.”

Juno shoves his face into the pillows and groans. “You’re so annoying.” But his voice is appreciative. He might just be shoving his face in the pillows to hide his tears. Nureyev can’t be surprised, Juno cries so easily. Some things never change. 

Nureyev smiles a little. “You love it.”

Juno lifts his head, and he’s definitely crying. He wipes at his face. “Yeah, I do.” He still looks distressed. Peter knows that there isn’t very much to be done about the way he feels. He would tell him how proud he is of him for decades if he thought it would help. 

He knows words can only go so far, and he’s done his best. “Do you want to be held?” He asks, and Juno’s eye softens immediately. He always gets like that when Peter asks. Like it's the kindest thing for someone to do, and not something that should be expected. 

He wipes at his face again. “Yeah.” His voice is rough. “Come cuddle your sad girlfriend, I need it.”

He doesn't waste any time, just lays on the bed, and holds Juno close. His back is pressed up against his chest. He’s sure Juno can’t see his face or the expression as he thinks about everything that just happened, as his mind runs circles around and around.

**-3-**

Kisses from Juno Steel are not nearly as rare as they used to be. Once upon a time, Peter wondered if they would ever get to that point again. Then one day they had been talking, warm and wrapped in a blanket on Peter’s bed. Nureyev had gone very quiet, sometime in the middle of his sentence, and kissed Juno softer than he’d kissed anyone.

When Nureyev kisses him, he melts. Right now, after months of casual kisses and frequent sex, he still does it. It starts first as a surprised stiffness, then a slow relaxation. It begins where Nureyev holds his cheek, then his shoulders, until soon he’s soft as putty in his arms. There’s nothing quite like it, having Juno like this. When he pulls away all breathless, wrinkling his nose at the self-satisfied smirk on Nureyev’s face, he says, “Smug bastard.” Before he tugs his hair to bring him down for another kiss.

After that it’s all roaming hands and falling into bed together. It’s good. It’s always good somehow when Juno is involved. He’s always so warm, so perfect, that Peter thinks he could do this, have him like this for the rest of his life. He can’t say that out loud, he can't bring himself to do so yet. Juno is shaking, gorgeous, and dazed in the aftermath. Peter could say anything right now, anything at all. He could tell him that he wants to spend eternity with him, and then some. Instead, he kisses Juno on the forehead and says something else.

“Do you need any water, love?” Peter asks as he turns towards the water bottle on the dresser. Rita always tells Juno to keep one with him, to keep himself hydrated, and Peter has no complaints.    
  
“I’m good.” He replies. Nureyev lays down to snuggle their bodies close together. That has always seemed to be the best form of aftercare for Juno.

They’re both quiet for a very long time, just enjoying the feeling of one another beside him, until Juno finally speaks up. “Nureyev, why do you always do this?” He just sounds curious. Hearing him, it feels like there’s no reason to be nervous or wary. He just sounds like he’s asking a genuine question. 

So at first Nureyev doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He goes over everything they just did. By all standards it was pretty normal sex, nothing out of the ordinay, really. Maybe that Juno is almost always submissive? That of which can be rectified, he just seems to prefer it, though Peter is plenty versatile when it comes to that. “Do what, darling?” He asks, so Juno has full range over the conversation.

Juno gestures aimlessly to both of them, and the way they’re pressed chest to chest. “Always cuddling with me like this after we fuck, asking if i want water? I mean, there are probably a billion other things you could do.” He doesn’t look at him.

Peter feels concern rise in him like a river after rain. “Do you dislike it?” He asks, though he knows the answer.

Juno swallows hard enough that Peter can hear it. “You don’t have to, is what I’m saying.” Peter fixes him with a look, and Juno sighs. “No, no I like it a lot. I just don’t know why you do it, is the thing. Most of the time I’m all...floaty?” He seems unsure of the word. “Afterwards, and I doubt it’s exciting to be around me when I’m like that.”

“Juno…” He starts, and searches his face. He looks a bit nervous now, a little more tense and regretful. “It’s aftercare.”

“What’s that?” He asks, once again, a genuine question. 

Peter ignores the aching in his chest. “It’s comfort after sex. It’s to let you know how much I love you, or to be there with you if you’re having a hard time right after an orgasm. Sometimes people get to a very high point, and then they fall down hard afterwards. It also just feels nice to be with one another after sex, a lot of people like to be held while coming down. I like it quite a bit and I know you do. It’s one of those things you’re supposed to do after sex.” He hesitates for a while, before he asks, “Has no one ever given you aftercare, Juno?”

He looks upset, and Peter thinks that this must have been the wrong thing to ask. “Every once in a while someone would wanna cuddle. Most of the time people just sat on the bed and did something else while I came down, or tried to get another round, or Diamond would just sit in the living room until I came back to the land of the living.” He’s stiff, and shaking a bit, his emotions are probably still high after sex, and Peter doubts this is helping.

He holds him closer, breathes in his scent. Lately it’s been less and less liquor in his smell, more that flowery shampoo Buddy got him as a gift. “Well, they should have. A man like you deserves anything he likes.”

He goes quiet, and Peter let’s him. He can practically hear his mind working to process, and Peter doesn’t really want to interrupt. He looks up at his face, his nose scrunched up, and his brow furrowed, and his heart breaks a little. The twist in his mouth, a telltale sign that he might be about to cry, strikes him right in his chest. He can’t stay silent when he sees that.

“Juno,” He says gently. He looks back at him. “You’re right here with me.”

He looks like he melts a little inside, and Peter can feel him relax the smallest amount. “You’re right.” Fingers run through his hair. “I’m here with you now.”

**-4-**

Arguments come and go. They simply happen.

Peter can’t even remember what this one was about. Something about cleaning the room? Peter is so finicky about cleanliness, that he’s sure he brought it up. Though at some point, Nureyev waves his hand through the air. It’s a gesture. He talks with his hands, a habit Mag once reprimanded, telling him it’s too noticeable, as if people all over the universe don’t talk with their hands every day. It isn’t even recognizable.

Though Juno’s difficulty with sudden movement is as obvious as his eyepatch. Flinches every day that would have otherwise gone unnoticed by others. This time, the sudden flick of his hand has Juno flinching hard, with a sharp intake of breath. Like he stepped on a shard of glass. 

That takes him out of the spiel he’d just been going on, and he watches Juno’s body language. His shoulders are drawn up tight, his hands shaking like they’re resisting all the waving he does when he gets excited or nervous. Nureyev never wants to see him scared enough to hold that back, never wants to see him scared in the first place. Though that’s how he looks. Nervous, like he’s going to bolt out of the room at any second. 

“Are you okay?” He says mid-sentence. 

“I’m  _ fine _ , Nureyev.” He growls out, his eye flicks to his hands, back to his face, back to his hands again. “If you’re gonna hit me, then just  _ do it _ .” 

Every single time something like this happens, Nureyev feels his heart drop into his feet. It’s never been quite so in his face before. Never so blatant and telling. “Juno, I’d never hurt you.” He tells him earnestly. “You know that, don’t you?” he asks.

“Yeah, sure,” He snarls angrily, his voice is panicky and scared. “That’s what you say now, but I’m not stupid, Nureyev, I know how these arguments go.”

God, that kills him a bit, but there’s no time for that right now. Juno looks about a second away from a panic attack, or escaping the room. He looks tiny. He’s always been small, sure he has more weight on him than Peter, but he’s short, and objectively a very small lady. Though he never seems that way. He always makes himself known, makes sure he’s unmissable. Though right now he looks small not only in a physical sense. He looks like he’s trying to hide in his own skin. Peter recognizes the way his height towers over him, how he has to crane his neck up to look him in the eyes. “We should sit down.”

“Why?” he snaps. “I’m fine, it’s  _ fine _ .” It most certainly doesn’t sound that way, and part of Nureyev wants to snap back at him, wants to tell him in his frustration that he’s  _ trying to make him feel less scared, _ which would be so very counterproductive. He isn’t used to deescalating, really. Lately, to Peter’s slight jealousy, Juno has been the one to have his anger more in check, and normally if the conversation is getting heated, or he realizes he was yelling, Juno tells him that they need to deal with this in a different way. Though right now, Juno is far too freaked out to back down on his own.

“You’re not.” Peter tells him. “And neither am I. I would just like to sit down and have a conversation, Juno. One that doesn’t make me unbearably anxious with the two of us standing like this.” He sits down on his mattress, and gestures next to himself. “Please, Juno, for me.”

He finally does as he’s asked, and sits next to him on the bed. The differences in their height being extracted seems to relax Juno a lot. He doesn’t say anything, still looks nervous, so Peter decides to take the reins of the conversation. “Juno, first of all, I need you to know that I’d never hurt you.” He tells him once again. 

Juno takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I know you won’t hurt me, that you  _ can’t. _ I just…” he looks down at Nureyev’s hands once again. 

“Just what, darling?” He wants to take his hand in comfort, but physical contact for Juno when he’s like this isn’t always the smartest option.    
  


“I know that you won’t hurt me, that you’re safe, but there’s just some part of me that doubts it. It just feels like this is temporary, and when we’re arguing like that, I know that you’re going to hit me, more than I know that…” he gets quiet. “That you love me.”

His stomach drops for a moment. “Thank you for telling me. I love you, Juno, very much. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?”

He bites his lip, scratches the back of his neck. “Nureyev, you don’t have to-”

“I want to.” He tells him, and it’s true. He wants Juno to feel safe with him. No one, even Mag, has ever accommodated to his trauma other than Juno. He’s had more than his fair share of nightmares that Juno helps him through, panic attacks over missing clothes, or not looking pretty enough. The plethora of nutrient bars and nonperishables hidden around the room that Juno always replaces when he takes one.

He relaxes just a bit more. “Okay, um, when we’re arguing, just try to keep your hands visible, no like, really big gestures? Try to remind me to sit down, because standing over me like that isn’t great. Uh, and I like having a little space between us. Like arm's length.” He knew everything else, except for the distance between them being a factor, now that he reflects, he guesses they were pretty up in one anothers faces as well. 

Peter smiles at him. “Thank you for telling me, darling, I will try to do that everytime we have an argument. If something starts to bother you, or you think of something else, can you tell me?”

“Sure.”

**-5-**

After that, Peter can’t stop thinking about it. Juno’s past relationships, and how his past partners have treated him. What happened? To what extent? Are there any sort of boundaries they should set moving forward? Should he even know, or is there a line of privacy? Is it any of his business?

Still, he’d like to ask. He’d like to know. Specifically one person, Diamond, has come up multiple times, and Peter would like to know what they did. How exactly this person hurt Juno, and what Peter would have to do to hurt them back.

So one night, Peter initiates one of their talks. Usually Juno does, not that Peter minds at all. He simply says a simple “Can we talk tonight?” to him during the movie they’re watching with Rita on the sofa.

Later on, Juno comes into his room, with another one of those little toys that he borrows from Rita, in his pyjamas, and sits on the bed. “So how are you feeling?” Juno asks, standard, of course. They always ask how one another is feeling beforehand, and they always answer honestly.

Nureyev brings out his own piece of paper to doodle on, they both like having something to do with their hands like this. “Tired, as always, you know how I am. And you, my love?”

The lady hums like a birdsong, “I’m okay, my shoulder hurts.” He gives it a roll, wincing. “What did you wanna talk about?”

Peter hesitates around the question, trying to put the phrase  _ “I think your past partners use to abuse you, and I'm worried about how that affects you now,”  _ more delicately. Instead, he tries for a different angle. “What were your past partners like?”

Juno gives him an odd look, and shrugs. “Pretty normal, I think. Just people I use to date, and now I’m not.” From Peter’s very limited experience in hearing about Juno’s partners, that doesn’t seem to be the case. 

“Alright, well, how many people have you dated, all in all?”

Juno makes a questioning noise. “Uh, I don’t know, like ten or eleven people? If we’re talking real relationships and moving in together and whatever.”

“Were they kind to you?” Peter asks before he can stop himself. 

Juno rolls his eye. “Well, not everyones as lovey dovey as you are, Nureyev.”

Peter sighs. “I mean, Juno, were they unfair to you as a partner. Did they ever hurt you? Physically, that is. Ah, unless you wouldn’t like to tell me, which is completely understandable, darling.” He adds quickly. 

His fingers touch his ribs through his shirt, like he’s getting a phantom pain there. Nureyev thinks about what that could mean, but then, Juno gets pains all the time from old wounds and broken bones for a variety of things. “Well, yeah, sometimes?” he says almost absently. “I think they all had at least smacked me at some point, which I deserve. I mean, have you heard some of the shit I say?” He says jokingly.

“Well I hardly think that’s a reason to hit your partner.” He retorts. Juno only shrugs again. 

“I’ve had people knock my lights out for less, Nureyev.”

Peter wants to take his hand, maybe kiss him on the forehead and tell him he’s safe, warm him to his bones. Comfort him somehow, though Juno doesn’t seem very troubled that this happened to him. He tries for a different question instead. “And did you stay with them after this?”

“Yeah, It was never really the reason I would leave people.” He says. Peter wonders what the hell Juno considers a deal breaker if harming him isn’t one. 

Another order of business, a name that he’s heard again and again in passing. One he’d like to know the context of. “Juno, who is Diamond?” He asks, and watches Juno’s face fall, his hands go still. 

He swallows before saying, “They were my fiance. I left them a bit before the wedding, we didn’t end on the best terms.”

“Do you mind if I ask what happened?”

Juno sighs, a hand gripping at his shoulder, like he remembers pressure there. “They cheated on me, and I left. Simple as that. It happens to people all the time.”

Peter swallows. A fiance. He supposes getting almost married wouldn’t exactly make it into public records, of course he wouldn’t know. “Did they ever hit you?”

Juno swallows too, he seems just as tense as Peter. “Of course they did, Nureyev.”

“Do you expect  _ me  _ to hit you?”

“I don’t know,” Juno admits, and Peter feels his heart break. “You seem more the type to talk in a relationship, but I’ve seen it this way before, y’know? Like we talk everything out, and then one day I say the wrong thing, or I get annoying, and you just snap. It happens, and I wouldn't really blame you for it.” Juno looks back up at him, almost resigned. 

Peter feels sick. “Juno i would never hurt you. I wouldn’t be able to.” He knows they’ve had a similar conversation before. 

“I know, kinda.” he tells him reassuringly.

“And you said most of your partners have hit you before. Juno I need you to know that that isn’t normal, and it isn’t right that it happened to you.”

He cocks his head, and gives him a weird look. “What do you mean?” he asks. 

Peter scrubs a hand over his face, firmly resolving to murder every person who has had a relationship like that with him. “Juno, if someone was getting hit by their partner, what would you say?”

“I’d tell them to leave them.” He says immediately. 

“And would you ever hit me?”

“What? No, why would you even ask that?” He suddenly looks very sad and worried, a look Peter is sure is being mirrored on his own face. 

“So what is the difference? They were abusing you, Juno, and that’s  _ not normal _ .”

“It’s just different, okay?”

“How in the world could it be different?” He asks, because he needs to get this through Juno’s stubborn skull. 

He throws his hands up exasperatedly. “It’s completely different! They’re not hitting those people, they’re hitting me! And it’s different because when those people get hurt, or if you got hit in a relationship, then it's abuse, but it’s different with me since I... deserve… oh.” He says the last word flatly, and deflates. “ _ Oh _ .” He puts a hand on his chest, suddenly looking like he might be sick. “Dammit.”

A spike of understanding runs through him, and Peter watches, has his hands ready to help Juno up in case he needs to use the bathroom to be sick. “Juno? Darling?”

He stuffs his hands into his face, and takes a shuddering breath. “God dammit, yeah, you’re right.”

“Are you-”

“Just-yeah I’m fine.” he takes a deep breath, and they’re both quiet for a long time.

Juno just seems to be trying to process, his hands going to cover his face, then messing with his locs, and then hugging himself around his chest. He likes compressing like that when he’s like this. Nureyev almost asks if he wants him to grab his binder just for the extra weight around him. He knows Juno does that at times, saying he likes the compression. Though he isn’t sure Juno would appreciate it right now. 

After a bit longer of this, Juno sighs, shudders, and speaks. “Nureyev.” He says.

“Yes?” he answers automatically.    
  


“I’m sorry I didn’t get it before. I just thought it was… different. Like it was on the same graph, but without a correlation, y’know what I mean?” He still doesn’t look him in the eyes, only staring at the sheet of the bed. 

Nureyev nods, though he doesn’t think he truly understands it completely, and that’s okay. Juno will never understand what it’s like to live on Brahma, there are just some things that can’t be completely understood by someone who hasn’t experienced it. “It isn’t your fault, Juno. You know that, don’t you?”

He just shakes his head. “Can we stop talking about it now? If I keep talking about it, I’m gonna have a damn panic attack.”

Nureyev nods solemnly. Yes, Juno’s flashbacks and panic attacks are… challenging. Nureyev does his best to comfort him, or at the very least be there for him, and while he thinks he does a good job (thank god for Buddy’s advice), it is still very mentally taxing on both of them. Nureyev will be worried and sad that Juno has to experience such things, while Juno will be upset and embarrassed, possibly shutting down and going nonverbal. They try to avoid it as much as humanly possible. 

If this topic is too much for Juno to talk about in one go, they can pick it back up at a later date, or even just wait to see if Juno ever wants to. He’d much rather let him go at his own pace, than risk damaging his health. “Alright.” He says. “ Is there anything you need in particular?” he asks. “We can watch a movie, or get some food?”

Juno shakes his head, laughs bitterly. “I don’t think I have the energy right now, Nureyev,” He hesitates, does that a lot with Peter and times like this. “Can I just be sad for a while?”

“Oh! Yes, of course. Would you like me to leave?” He asks. 

“No,” he says quietly. “I don’t think it’s a great idea for me to be alone.” Some frozen part of Peter melts. And he has such a fear that he hasn’t grown. This should be proof of what a ludicrous notion that is, asking for company when he needs it.

“Of course, darling.”

**-+1-**

Peter doesn’t mean to meet them. Honest to god, he’s thought about it. He could research where they could be, and take a little trip away. Though he had never really acted on it. He always thought he could just leave it all behind them. He assumed they’d never see them again, so they would never again be a problem.

That is until he is one day on a lone heist to a hotel. This is a one man job, a stealth mission. Of course, as many heists go, this one didn’t go completely smooth. He’d gotten caught in the act, and unfortunately had several guards chasing after him. It’s easy as cutting through butter, picking the lock to a door, and closing it behind him. 

Unfortunately there is already someone in there, sitting on their bed. Their eyes are wide. “Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my room?”

Peter recognizes them immediately. He once looked them up, curiosity getting the better of him as usual, and though a bit older, they still have that same distinct face. Painfully, with them right in front of Peter, he can see how similar he looks to them. They look a bit stronger, admittedly, much more muscle than Nureyev has, and about an inch shorter than Nureyev is, but there are some things that are very obviously alike. Namely the untold violence in their eyes like secrets and bloodshed. He recognizes it in himself. Juno has always seemed to have the type for people who want to hurt him. For those who are violent and dangerous.

“Diamond, is it?” He says, forces his body to relax as he walks deeper into the room. Thankfully his age hasn’t weighed on him so much so that he didn’t forget to leave a far more convincing trail in the hallway, one that leads in a much different direction. 

They jut out their chin all self righteous as if they have anything to be proud of. “What do you care?”

Peter chuckles without humor. “Well, that’s as good as an answer isn’t it?” Part of him wants to just stab them to death right now, but he won’t. Not yet. He can wait to succumb to anger. He has patience.

“And what about your name?” They look nonplussed. 

He raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think I’ll tell you, not that it matters anyway.” Peter steps around the room, touching things on the dresser with gloved hands, inspecting them, before dropping them back onto carpet. How fortunate this hotel has carpet. “Though my name belongs to someone. You may know him.” They look confused. “Juno? Maybe you’ve forgotten him, though he isn’t very forgettable. Juno Steel. Former private investigator.”

Their mouth twists, and Peter hates it so deep in his bones he nearly forgets himself. “Yeah, I remember him. So you’d like to get revenge for him? Painted me out to be some horrible person to all his new friends, and whatever you are to him?”

“Is there a reason he would?” Peter asks.

“No!” they say immediately. Peter knows he’s pushed a slight amount too hard, when they say, “Why are you even in here? If you’re here to rob me then rob me. If you’re here to kill me, lets see who comes out alive.”

He sighs, pretends to let tension drain from his body. “You know, Diamond, it’s funny. He nearly never mentioned you, never really talked about you until I asked him about you one day.” Nureyev sits on the cushioned seat a distance away from them. “But how often you come up! He never has to say your name, but I still see the recognition on his face. He gets scared of me, because of you, partners he’s had like you. He even thought being treated the way he was is somehow fine.”

They give him a once over, like they’re guessing the price of a dress they weren’t going to buy. Nureyev wonders how often a look like that must have been turned on Juno. “Oh perfect, now he has his little knight in shining armor to fix him after the big bad dragon burned him. You can’t blame a dragon for being a dragon, can’t blame a fire for eating what’s flammable. He knew exactly what he was getting into with me, and he did it anyway. Oh, but it’s all  _ my fault. _ ”

Peter has to take a breath. “Are we talking about the same person?” He asks, makes himself sound genuine. 

“Juno-”

“I meant you.” He clarifies. “You talk about yourself like beasts and fire, but you look plenty human to me.” He sneers, undignified, but he’s far too angry to continue with what qualifies as pleasant to Nureyev while talking to them. “A human that chose to beat their significant other.” He stands up once again. “I know who you are, just from Juno’s subtlety. This conversation has only made it more obvious.”

“And who am I?” They ask. 

Peter answers easily, it just so happens that he’s been thinking of this for quite some time. “An abuser. One who hurts who they love, because they think they are entitled to do so. A person with more pride than they know what to do with, and the ignorance to think it deserves to be there. Tiresome and outdated is what you are.” He steps closer to where they are. “A knight in shining armor, you called me. Inaccurate, I am afraid to say. You must be so awful, putting me on a pedestal for not breaking my love’s bones.”

They narrow their eyes, though Peter can see anger in them. “Why are you here?”

Peter laughs, again, without amusement. “I am in this building to steal something. By coincidence, I ran into your room.” He stops when he’s right in front of them. He takes out one of his knives. “I stayed here, because I wanted to speak with you before I killed you.” 

After that, it’s nearly too easy to kill them. They lunge forward immediately, trying and failing to grab him. He’s always been quick, falling a bit slow as he gets older, but to no matter. Their prowess relies in their strength, which means nothing if they aren’t quick. A few slashes with his knife, and they are no longer a problem. Nureyev is efficient with his knife, but who’s to blame him if one or two of the slashes aren’t something that could kill them? He’s getting old, he would say to anyone calling him on it, not quite what he used to be.

He takes out his comms when he’s done, and makes a call. “Jet, can you bring the car around? I’ll be down in a moment.” He says. He holds the comm between his shoulder and his ear, and opens the window. 

“I will be there momentarily, Ransom.” 

**Author's Note:**

> go in the comments and be sad with me


End file.
